Winds of War Embroil Region, Cannons deployed after years of idle display

Arena Village Hall leveled – War Correspondent’s Report: April 1, 2021

Gary Ernest Grass, esq., Legal Editor

PLAIN, WI.—At first there were a few, then maybe a dozen, but by dusk more than 40 men and women had mustered near the Kraemer Library, to prepare for what all had feared but which now seemed inevitable: the winds of war had come to Plain.

“We can’t let them get away with this,” said a Plain resident, requesting anonymity, expressing a common sentiment among the group. “Some things a village just cannot tolerate, and this is one. If the Governor doesn’t want to protect us, we’ll protect ourselves.” Plain’s Village Board had appealed to Governor Evers last week for national guard units to be sent to Plain, but Evers did not respond.

The makeshift troops did not attack anyone, nor did they cite a specific reason for the agitation except noting that Spring Green had surreptitiously been pointing a cannon at them for years. Most drilled with their rifles until morning twilight, while others planned, laboring over topographical maps. A few inspected defensive positions around the village that had been scouted earlier in the week.

Last week, the Lone Rock Village Board held an emergency meeting, authorizing the Lone Rock Militia to rally at Dillon’s Tailor Shop to rehabilitate the cannons normally kept on public display at Battery and Garrison Parks. Spring Green and Plain took similar actions, and by Monday, historic artillery units had been removed from public monuments in all three villages, to be deployed against their emerging rivals.

The cannon at the Spring Green Municipal Golf Course. (Photo by Taylor Scott, Managing Editor)

Meanwhile, a House on the Rock employee was overheard at Grandma Mary’s in Arena asking for a map showing “the precise borders between all the villages.” There are reports a cannon at the House may be pressed into use. Whether that use is defensive or mercenary in nature is unknown.

It was also widely rumored that Spring Green was sending American Players Theater members to infiltrate and report on the other villages, using their thespian skills to gather intelligence. Valley Sentinel has so far not been able to confirm these rumors. An APT representative was unavailable for comment, being reportedly on a “field exercise.”

So far the only physical damage has come from an attack on Arena, where a small contingent of shock troops from Spring Green suddenly appeared on West Avenue. Though armed with rifles, the troops were not reported to have fired, however in the confusion a small explosion was reported and the troops fled the scene—with reports that Arena Cheese’s copious amounts of co-jack had been the primary target and bad information was to blame.

The cannon at the Veteran’s Memorial in Plain. (Photo by Taylor Scott, Managing Editor)

The Arena Village Hall initially appeared to have escaped unscathed, but those hopes turned quickly to ash. Sparks from the explosion apparently set alight a crate containing undistributed water bills, and the resultant blaze soon engulfed the structure. Firefighters did not respond in time, fueling suspicions that they were loyal to Spring Green.

Dillon’s Tailor Shop at Battery Park in Lone Rock. (Photo by Taylor Scott, Managing Editor)

Arena’s Village Hall was insured, and the water bills can be reprinted. Village officials have yet to comment on when this will happen.

The people of Arena did not mount an immediate counterattack—citing a lack of a cannon, nor did Spring Green press its advantage, but both sides are feared to be preparing for action in the future. The White School Collective is said to be supplying Spring Green troops with wood-fired pizza, while a group out of Tower Hill State Park calling themselves the ‘Site 12 Brigade’ is supplying pizza to Plain, Arena and reportedly Lone Rock.

A cannon in Battery Park in Lone Rock with various cannon balls on display. (Photo by Taylor Scott, Managing Editor)

Citizens interviewed region-wide urged there is still time to turn back and embrace peace. Thankfully, there have been no casualties so far, except for water bills.

No one is quite sure what started the hostilities, but some are now referring to this as the War of April Aggression, otherwise known as the War of April Fools.

The cannon at Garrison Park in Lone Rock. (Photo by Taylor Scott, Managing Editor)